Thursday, November 5, 2009

Off-Topic Catharsis

Hi, the internet. It's D again. I've been talking a big game about NaNoWriMo lately, but I have to accept a tiny little roadblock right now. At least I'm ahead of schedule for the moment.

OK, so here it is. First, I said I wouldn't talk about my personal life very much, back in January. But now it's interfering with my blogging, and my blogging is a part of me, so I feel like I owe something of an explanation to you, the General Reader. I know I don't owe anything to you, in one sense; in another, I owe you everything, because the General Reader is the whole reason for this blog in the first place (that, and the fact that I cannot abstain from writing). I have the good fortune of getting a few Specific Readers, and what's more, they've all given me something whether they know it or not, and for that, I am grateful.

Second, my last chapter was the last of what I had written, and I dashed off the last few paragraphs before work this morning. I think it shows, and I feel dirty for that. I'm not actually dirty for it, but I feel that way, and that's what this post is about.

Third, I'm five drinks drunk right now. Coincidentally (I'm not drinking because of this stuff, except for my fifth point below), it helps me tone down the intellect and deal with emotions, which for long and boring personal reasons is hard for me to do sometimes. This is one of those times. It's also why I'm writing this post, instead of trying to write fiction.

Fourth, one of my most valued corporate teammates is dying. I don't value her as a corporate teammate at all, I value her as a friend; it just so happens that we've only had meaningful interaction in corporate contexts. I've been "around" death a lot in my life (I think), and I didn't think this would hit me like it has. Time to put my Learning Face on, I guess.

Fifth, another teammate resigned today, and I'm drunk because it was her going away party. Sixth, another teammate has recently transferred to another department. Seventh, a very good non-corporate friend was in an accident recently, and I just found out today after I called him to tell him about an unrelated existential crisis I'm having (it's not really an existential crisis, I'm just in an Ecclesiastical mood and I wanted him to help talk me down vis a vis cheering for me as I talk myself down explaining it to him). He'll be fine, but it's another unexpected bad thing in my life right now. Eighth, I'm worried that I'm growing apart from one of my best friends, and I don't know how to figure that out without causing undue worry to the both of us. Ninth, all of this means that I can't fulfill a promise I made in the heat of impassioned compulsive writing earlier this month.

OK, counting these off is starting to become tedious. I'm having a minor crisis right now and I need to take a break, so I'm giving myself a long weekend away from the internet. Please say what you want, or nothing at all; whatever you say, I'll try to use it to make myself a better person. But if I don't have anything up by noon on Monday, I need a favor: start insulting me or something, because I will need something to react against. I am a defiant person, and having something to defy usually spurs me to action. That action may be stupid, but I still have other goals, and I'm willing to be a little stupid if it gets me moving on to better things. Starting Monday.


Cathy S said...

I hope you'll pull through this tough time!

D said...

Thank you.

I have responses bubbling away on the backburner for your most recent comments. I'd like you to know that my blog is simply a platform for me to try and foster discourse; your comments directly feed that, and for that, I am so thankful.

Thanks again, and I hope you're having a better evening than I am!

Michael said...

Hope you feel better by the weekend! Also judging from your output I don't think you have to worry about not finishing Nano unless there's a nuclear holocaust or something of a similar level of disturbance.

And if you are still absent on Mon I think I know an even better way to get you to write -- rather than insulting you I'll write comment that's so mind-bogglingly stupid you'll just have to!

D said...

Hi, Michael! Thanks for your input, too. A night of drinking has given me some perspective. Perhaps I can even make the Humanist Symposium... hmm... if not, meh, it's only three weeks until the next one.

Thanks again, and I really hope there's no nuclear holocaust!