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Chapter 9 fork: Swift Summit
Vector quickly says, “Stand down! They come in peace!”
“A likely story,” Jim scoffs.
“No, it’s true,” Pannych insists, “And we can prove it!”
“How on Earth will you do that?!”
Pannych says, “Just talk to them at the gates! You don’t have to let them in before you know their intentions.”
“Preposterous! They’d be too close for our artillery, and our walls cannot withstand sustained, focused fire from their menders. Not to mention all the guards who would die!”
She stammers for a moment, then suggests, “A white flag?”
“That could easily be a trick,” Jim says.
“Jesus,” Phyr groans, “Just give us a speaking stone, we’ll go out there and you can talk to them yourself. None of this semaphore bullshit.” Pannych and Jim both look to him in confusion. “Flag signals,” he clarifies.
“That… could work,” Jim says with a nod. “Very well: if you take a speaking stone out to them, and keep them at the forest’s edge, then I will have the guards stand down so that we may speak.”
Well within an hour, the adventurers have taken a speaking stone to the forest’s edge and await the arrival of the noobs. They don’t have to wait long: the noobs are traveling on all fours, nearly swift as horses. A couple hundred yards from the forests’s edge, they rear up on two legs, and the adventurers see that one in the lead carries a large white flag. Birgit approaches, the flagbearer at her flank. Vector, at the head of the trio, waves in greeting.
“Hello, Vector,” the great bear says when they are in earshot. “I see you are as good as your word.”
“And you are one eager beaver,” he replies.
“I am no beaver,” she says, “But I am certainly eager to get this summit underway.”
“It’s just a figure of speech.”
“Ah. Forgive me, I do not speak on the Stoneweb, and so my speech may sound archaic.”
“Stoneweb,” Vector asks. Birgit looks at him in confusion.
“You carry a speaking stone, but do not know of the Stoneweb? Why, just ask.”
“Oh,” Vector says, “Like the internet, then?”
“I do not know of this inner net,” Birgit replies.
“Hold on - Jim, is the Stoneweb like the internet,” Vector asks into the stone. Pannych shakes her head, and Phyr facepalms, both sensing what’s about to happen.
“What’s an inner net,” Jim replies.
“It’s - uh… it’s a network of machines that people use to share information over long distances.”
“Oh,” Jim says. “Yes, that’s exactly what the Stoneweb is. Except it’s magical, not mechanical. How would that even work? Do you send scrolls through pneumatic tubes or something?”
“I - I can’t believe I get to say this unironically,” Vector says, “But the internet is not a series of tubes. Forget that, though - how long has the Stoneweb been around?” Phyr rolls his eyes, but Pannych is intrigued.
“I mean,” Jim stammers for a moment. “The modern standardized form was implemented a few hundred years ago, under the reign of Rayla and Aqu. They were the first ones with the means to create and distribute the huge number of linked stones required for it, and that’s when they first called it the Stoneweb. But it’s been around in one form or another for thousands of years, ever since the gods taught us magic and Zyxish.”
“The Hell is Zyxish?”
“Don’t tell me a man of your speaking prowess doesn’t know his Z-Y-Xs,” Jim says. “Pull the other one.”
“Alphabet goes backwards here,” Phyr stage whispers to him with a nudge.
“Huh, Stoneweb,” Vector says, lowering the speaking stone to his side. “Well, that’s handy.”
“You say handy, I say hegemonic,” Birgit says. “A great deal of cultural diversity was lost when the world became a single, contiguous linguistic community.”
“That’s a lot of big words,” Phyr says, “And I know what they mean individually, but-”
“If everyone talks together, then everyone talks the same,” Pannych says.
“I know that’s not true,” Phyr says. “I’ve known you over twenty years, and you still talk like an asshole.”
Birgit ignores him and says, “And a single manner of speech leads to a single manner of thought.”
Phyr looks at the sky and shouts, “OK! We get it: MONOCULTURE BAD! Now can we please get back to making peace between the noobs and the townsfolk?”
Everyone stares at him for a moment, and Birgit says, “Your small friend looks like us, but he is not like us.”
Vector says, “Ignore him, he’s a bit of a loose cannon. Erm, trigger happy. I mean, he gets-”
“I know what a loose cannon is,” Birgit says. “But he is right. We should focus on the matter at hand. We came to arrange a time for this summit.”
“Well, you nearly started a war,” Vector says. “Before we came out, they were ready to artillery the shit out of you on sight.”
“That is what the white flag of surrender is for,” Birgit says, pointing at her companion.
“I think they would’ve shot first, and asked questions later.”
“Then it is a good thing you were around to abate the tension.”
“No, you got - look, Jim isn’t sure of your intentions. That’s why we have the speaking stone: you two need to talk.” Vector offers the speaking stone to her, and she takes it in one huge paw.
“This is Birgit of the Valley,” she says.
“Hello, Birgit. I am Jim, the elder of Noob Town.”
“We are here for a peace summit, as promised by Vector.”
“Well, I’m afraid he didn’t run it by me first,” Jim says. “Had he done so, I would’ve told him that we also need to involve the mayor of Leetsburg, and Sir Briansworth is a very busy man.”
“We have time to wait,” Birgit says. “This is our top priority.”
“I’m afraid it’s not ours,” Jim says with a sigh. “It could be weeks, even months, before a delegation can be selected and work an opening into their schedule, and-”
“Listen, Jim,” Phyr interrupts, having stormed over to shout into Birgit’s paw. “We worked real hard to get the noobs to even agree to this summit in the first place, and so you, and Briansworth, and all your pals damn well better make it your top priority!” Birgit seems intrigued, but Vector and Pannych are aghast.
“It doesn’t work that way-”
“It works that way when I say it does,” Phyr interrupts.
“We can’t just-”
“No more excuses! You have until we get back to town to get this Brian guy on the line, or you answer to me!”
Jim scoffs audibly and says, “Is that a threat?”
Phyr takes a deep breath and says with too-calm gravity, “Tell me, Jim: do you make a habit of defying demigods?”
The line is silent for several long seconds.
“My apologies,” Jim says at last. “The gods have been dead for so long, and few remember them. My knowledge of them is only academic, but you are right to remind me of my place. I shall inform Sir Briansworth that this is a matter of utmost importance, and I assure you that his schedule shall be suspended.”
The adventurers receive 7 XP for avoiding a battle, leave the speaking stone with Birgit, and return to Noob Town. As the door to Jim’s office opens, they see Alice and Jim, accompanied by a dapper middle-aged man. A haughty voice says from a speaking stone, “Bah, three trained soldiers could easily hold a fortress against an army of goblins. They’re as reckless and uncoordinated as half-drunk teenagers!”
“No, you don’t understand,” Jim says into a speaking stone. “The goblins held the fort. They ambushed them.”
“Hmm,” the other voice says. “I’m still skeptical. But if you’re so convinced-”
“Look, they’re here,” Jim says, waving them in. “Lady Pannych, Lord Phyr, Lord Vector, meet Sir Stevington, mayor of Noob Town.” The well-dressed gentleman stands and bows deeply. “And on the speaking stone is Sir Briansworth, mayor of Leetsburg.”
“Oh, I’m not a lord,” Vector says. “I’m just some guy.”
“Master Vector, then,” Jim says.
“Pleased to make your acquaintances,” Pannych says with a curtsy.
“Hi,” Phyr says brusquely.
“Greetings,” Sir Stevington says with another bow. “I have heard tales of your brief time here.”
“It is… an honor to speak with you.” Sir Briansworth’s tone is grudgingly deferential. “Elder Jim tells me you three are here to negotiate a treaty on behalf of the noobs.”
“No,” Vector corrects him, “Birgit can speak for herself. We’re just here to make sure everything works out equitably.”
“Then where is this Birgit,” Sir Briansworth asks.
“I am here,” Birgit says, “Listening. And learning.”
Sir Briansworth harrumphs contemptuously and says, “And what could a noob learn from listening to humans speak?”
“Many things,” Birgit says. “For example, I have learned that you hold little respect for my people. As you also show disrespect for the gods, that puts us in esteemed company.” Sir Briansworth’s sneer is all but audible. Alice snorts back a laugh. Sir Stevington barely raises an eyebrow.
“And you expect me to negotiate with this?” Sir Briansworth’s disdain is palpable.
Sir Stevington softly clears his throat and says, “I think her animosity is understandable - and, perhaps, even forgivable on account of the demigods backing her up. I would strongly encourage you to reconsider your perspective, and measure your words carefully when next you speak.”
Sir Briansworth’s grumbling is audible over the speaking stone, but he says with restraint, “You may be right, Sir Stevington.” The mayor of Noob Town gives a slight nod. “But even so, there’s no way we can negotiate this treaty without industry leaders present! They have a stake in this!”
“How many can you get in an hour,” Vector asks.
“What?! An hour?!”
“Let me rephrase: how many can you get in an hour, when the economy is on the line and their absence means they won’t be represented in negotiations? I think that is more than gracious on Birgit’s part.” Sir Briansworth sputters, but ultimately relents, and they agree to reconvene in an hour. The adventurers all get 7 XP for expediting the summit, and leave the town hall.
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