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The journey out of Noob Valley passes uneventfully - the most notable thing to the three adventurers is that the smell gets better as they gain altitude. Once they crest the rim of the valley, the air is once again clear and fresh. They descend the hillside, heading East with Pannych at the lead, then find the cobblestone road and take a break at the stream to refill their canteens.
“That’s a nifty gadget,” Vector says on seeing Phyr use his purification ray.
When they reach the crossroads, they can see the start of the sunset through the trees, and the shadows are getting darker.
“Hey,” Vector says, jerking his thumb to the North, “Think we should stop off at Noob Town for the night?”
Pannych and Phyr consider this, but decide not to, as Rayla and Aqu are still at large. They turn South at the fork and head toward Fort Roguelike.
The woods become thicker and darker as they make the trek, but the road is wide and in good condition the whole way. Right at dusk, with the Sun’s last rays fading to the West, the forest opens up into a large clearing around a massive and dilapidated stone fortress. Broad and squat, it has no windows and but a single visible entrance beyond a lowered drawbridge spanning a thirty-foot dry moat. There’s a tower at each of four corners, and a crenellated parapet runs the perimeter of the outer wall.
They draw their weapons and approach with caution, Pannych on point and the others flanking. About ten yards from the drawbridge, Pannych says, “Keep an eye out for traps, no telling what we’ll run into here.”
Phyr thinks for a moment and says, “I can do you one better. Determine Belt Item!” He reaches into a pouch and pulls out something shaped kind of like a hand mirror. In green glowing letters, it says, “NO TRAP DETECTED.” Pannych admires the gadget with a nod. Phyr keeps the trap detector in his left hand while he holds one blaster in his right.
A few feet before the drawbridge, the letters abruptly change to red and read, “TRAP DETECTED.” Phyr announces this to the group, and they stop in their tracks.
“Uh, where,” Vector asks.
“I don’t know,” Phyr says impatiently. “Dammit, I just thought of a trap detector, not a trap pointer-outer.”
“Well, what’s the range,” Vector asks.
“Dunno,” Phyr says, “Hold on.” He fishes out the tablet of identification and has Pannych read it while he looks at the trap detector.
“TRAP DETECTOR,” she says. “Detects traps within twenty yards.”
“Well, that’s super useful,” Phyr groans.
“OK, sarcasm noted,” Pannych says, “But it actually is. It’s a warning for us to make some Observation checks, and we’ll probably get a bonus for knowing that there is in fact a trap around. And when there’s not, we can know with confidence that there are no traps within sixty feet.”
“Sure, but that could be four floors down, for all we know,” Vector says.
“True,” she admits. “But still, forewarned is forearmed, and all that. And it just went off, so we know it’s probably twenty yards dead-ahead, which is right about at the entrance past the drawbridge. Likely spot, innit?” Phyr and Vector shrug their assent, and the three of them proceed confidently toward the entrance.
Halfway across the drawbridge, Pannych stops and raises her hand to the others, saying, “Wait - I see a tripwire. There, just past the gatehouse: can you guys see it?” They nod and approach along the walls, Pannych and Vector on the left, Phyr on the right, seeing nothing through the arrow slits on either side of the passage. Pannych checks her footing at a safe distance from the tripwire, then leans over it to look up at the backside of the gatehouse. Sure enough, there’s a spiked log suspended a ways up. She gets the others’ attention with a Psst!, and points up to indicate the direction of the trap, then carefully steps over the tripwire to the other side before the others follow.
They survey the interior of the fort: to the left is a practice yard and a small, squat building that is presumably an armory; to the right, a stable and barracks. The forward towers appear to be in relatively good condition, but the rear are not - one has had its entrance collapse in a pile of rubble, and the other is almost completely destroyed. Directly across from the entrance is a large iron double door that presumably leads deeper into the fort, with a few arrow slits to each side.
The three resume formation and proceed further into the courtyard. About ten paces in, they hear a shrill, throaty yell from above the gatehouse, and turn to see a goblin raising a crude iron blade in one hand and a fine leather spyglass in the other.
“The fuck-” Phyr says.
Instantly, the two tower doors burst open. From each door, a dozen goblins pour out into the courtyard, waving iron swords and stone-headed war clubs in the air. A dozen more appear on the parapet, raising crude bows and arrows. Ropes descend on the far side of the gatehouse, and another dozen still slide down, cutting off their retreat.
[image forthcoming]
The goblins get a surprise round: the dozen outside land and prepare to advance into the gatehouse, while the ones in the courtyard close in on both sides. The archers above pepper them with arrows for double surprise damage: four miss, two hit Pannych for 11 damage each, three hit Phyr for 4 each and one crits for 40 (lodging in his scalp), and two hit Vector for 10 each.
With this many combatants, there’s no roll for turn order - everyone goes in order of their combined Observation and Nimbleness scores. Pannych is at the top of the order; followed by the goblin archers and their leader; then Phyr; then the rest of the goblins; and finally, Vector.
“Pause!” Pannych takes a deep breath and considers the situation. Phyr and Vector curse in pain and grumble incoherently. “OK,” she begins, “You guys shoot the ones down here, I’ll rush the parapet and get the archers. Sound good?”
“Roger,” Phyr says. “Vector, let’s each take a side?”
“Ten-four,” Vector says. “What about the guys coming through the gatehouse?”
“On it,” Pannych says. “I’ll cut the tripwire on my way in.”
They take a couple deep breaths and mentally prepare before Pause wears off, then spring into action. Pannych rushes to the door of the gatehouse and presses herself up against the wall, out of view of the archers above, then raises her sword to swing and waits for the right moment.
The archers fire again, but without the bonus from the surprise round, the arrows bounce harmlessly off of Phyr and Vector’s armor.
Phyr drops his trap detector, grips the blaster with both hands, and fires at his group of approaching goblins: he hits one, killing it instantly. Three nearby take half damage from the explosion and are thrown clear, nearly dead with only 3 to 5 HP left.
The goblins in the courtyard are startled by the explosion, but their leader’s Leadership bonus augments their Combat roll to sustain their resolve. The goblins in the courtyard keep advancing, and are about halfway to the adventurers - the ones in the gatehouse rush forward and are within spitting distance of the courtyard.
Vector takes a knee, aims, and fires his laser rifle: he hits an unarmored goblin square in the chest for 37 damage, and it is knocked on its back, half-dead.
Pannych cuts the tripwire with her sword, then throws open the gatehouse door and rushes inside. She almost reaches the stairs up to the parapet as the spiked log swings down and right into the approaching goblins, killing nine of them instantly and leaving three alive.
The archers fire again, mostly dealing no damage, but one scores a critical hit on Vector, lodging in the exposed part of his neck for 20 damage.
Phyr blasts at the advancing crowd again, killing one and sending four more flying and nearly dead.
The goblins in the courtyard advance again, only three on Phyr’s side left unscathed by his blaster - they’re just one round more away from reaching the adventurers. One of the goblins in the gatehouse fails a Combat check and rushes them, but is caught by the backswing of the spiked log; the other two wait sensibly. The one that Vector had knocked down gets to his feet and prepares to resume the charge.
Vector takes aim at another unarmored goblin, and hits him for 37 damage, knocking him down as well.
Pannych rolls a successful Nimbleness check to take the stairs three at a time, and now there is only a door between her and the goblin archers. The archers fire on the adventurers below, but do no damage.
Phyr blasts again, killing one goblin and putting the other two on their backs in critical condition. The three victims of his first blast are just getting to their feet. He turns around and sees the crowd about to reach Vector, and shouts, “Vector! Switch!” before leaping in front of him.
Six goblins pile onto Phyr, and three go after Vector. The rest in the courtyard, on Phyr’s side, are still recovering and resuming the charge - except for one mender on Vector’s side, who casts Heal on one of the laser-shot goblins and heals him for 30. The six overwhelm Phyr and hit him successfully, but they only do 2 damage each. The three on Vector hit him for 5 damage each.
Vector shakes free of the goblins and leaps away, taking up Phyr’s previous position, then aims at the stragglers. He hits one in the lead, finishing it off.
Pannych opens the door and makes for the nearest goblin, then swings her sword for a surprise attack. She hits for double damage, dealing 75 - the goblin falls to his knees, screaming, and dies. The rest of the archers notice her now.
The archers all turn to shoot Pannych, but she casts Hide while they’re drawing their bows, and is replaced by a log. She appears on the landing inside the gatehouse, behind the inward-opening door and out of their sight. The archers all blink in surprise as their arrows strike a wooden log, which falls over and out of the way.
Phyr, surrounded by goblins, fires his blaster at the ground. He doesn’t hit anyone directly, but the six piled on him all take half damage from the explosion and are left with 3 or 5 HP each - Phyr takes 32 damage himself and is knocked on his back.
The goblins Phyr just bombed are stunned for two rounds, but the mender heals the other of Vector’s stragglers and keeps his distance. Phyr’s stragglers continue to advance on Vector, who drops his rifle and draws his quarterstaff just before two of them reach him.
Pannych holds her action from behind the door and rolls a solid 16 on Observation to wait until after the archers have fired.
The archers all loose arrows at Phyr, downed in the courtyard. They mostly miss or bounce off harmlessly, but two hit his exposed arm and he takes 4 damage from each. Pannych then rushes out for her surprise attack and kills another goblin, then retreats back into the stairwell. The leader and the archers hear the commotion and are aware of Pannych’s presence once more.
Phyr gets to his feet and fires his blaster at the mender, killing him instantly.
The goblins that the mender had healed reach Phyr, and hit him for 2 damage each.
Pannych holds her action in the stairwell and waits for the goblin archers to enter single file, which they faithfully do. She cuts them down one by one, while Phyr and Vector mop up the ones in the courtyard. Phyr blasts at the two in the gatehouse, who are trying to maneuver around the spiked log - he destroys the log and kills the goblins.
Vector casts Heal on himself and Phyr over the two rounds it takes them to reach the top of the gatehouse, for 16 health each. They go up the same side as Pannych, though, and she tells them to go around to the other side - Phyr says No, and the next time she’s clear of the doorway, he fires through it, killing the rest of the goblin troops outside as they are thrown from the parapet and die from the fall.
Seeing the way things are going, the goblin leader jumps over the side of the parapet, slides down a rope, and runs away across the drawbridge. Vector takes two rounds to draw a bead on him, then shoots him for 32 damage, crippling his leg and knocking him down. The adventurers slide down the ropes and go to finish him off.
As they walk up to the crawling goblin leader, he rolls onto his back and screams, “WAAAAIIIIT! PLEASE!” The adventurers are surprised to hear him speak.
“Uh, what,” Vector asks after a beat.
“You’ve defeated us! Victory is yours! We shall occupy your fortress no longer! Please, let me go to tell the other villages!”
“Why,” Phyr asks, “So you can rally your troops and come after us?”
“No! No! Why would we do that? Clearly, you are mighty warriors - we stand no chance!” Phyr gives him a look to go on. “These goblins have families! Friends! Loved ones who deserve to know they died valiantly in battle! Please, let me tell them, and I will also say to stay away from this place.”
Pannych and Vector are struck by compassion, but Phyr kicks at a nearby rock and says, “Dammit! Isn’t there anyone in this world I can kill without feeling bad?”
“Wh-what,” the goblin leader asks.
“The NPCs have interconnected lives! The noobs have language and culture! The goblins have families and friends! Fuck’s sake, do the cows and pigs have a rich literary tradition?”
“N-no, they’re just animals,” the goblin leader says. Phyr looks daggers at him, and he quickly apologizes up and down, then repeats his request to be let go so that he can deliver the news.
Vector steps ahead of the other two and says, “Let me handle this. Heal!” The goblin leader’s leg wound closes up, though he is still hurt.
Phyr says, “Nope,” then steps in front of Vector and blasts the goblin almost point-blank. The adventurers all get 50 XP from the battle, now that combat is finally over.
Pannych and Vector scream, “Phyr, what the fuck,” in unison.
“Enough of this! If I can’t even kill some fuckin’ goblins in peace, then what’s the damn point?!” The others are dumbfounded, but eventually shake it off and decide to carry on. Dale tops them all up with his healing ray and recharges his gear as they walk back in to loot and move on. Dale retrieves his trap detector and keeps it to hand, but it just says “NO TRAP DETECTED” the whole time they’re looking around.
Back in the fort’s courtyard, they head to the armory first, just as full dark is settling in. Phyr sustains a Flame spell in his hand to see by, and they spot a barrel full of old torches near the door. He lights three and passes two to the others, and they look around.
The armory has a few human weapons, but all are either broken or in a state of extreme disrepair. It is, however, packed with goblin weapons - they are clearly functional, as their recently-healed wounds attest, but also handmade and of no use to the adventurers.
They next search each of the front guard towers, but find nothing of use in either of them. Then they hit the stables and find nothing except rotting hay and old riding tack.
The barracks, on the other hand, are full of dry rations and fresh fruit.
“Lot of food here,” Pannych remarks.
“Yeah, about enough to feed fifty goblins for a couple weeks, I’d bet,” Pannych quips.
They find another barrel of torches and set them up in sconces along the walls, then gather food for a meal. They eat in silence, for the most part, saying nothing of consequence in the palpable tension. Pannych is trying to come up with another deal to make to get Phyr to stop insisting on killing all the time; Vector is starting to feel like he’s just along for the ride, as he was with Rayla and Aqu; Phyr is simply bitter that there seems to be no guilt-free combat in this world, and calculates the experience points needed to level up - just 23 to go for him.
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