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Still here? Good. Thanks, just had to clear out the riff-raff.
Though God (back to me) had stopped spiraling around, there was still the matter of Book to wrappeth up, and the sucking which Book didst do. And lo, God (I think you got it by now) didst putteth in the effort to driveth back the sucking - but forsooth, the more effort God didst putteth in, even the greater sucking there was to driveth back. And verily, God didst slippeth, and became sucked into the project that Book had become, and was physically manifested thereupon, like unto a confused and grey-clad ninja that didst thusly appeareth upon a barren white page:
“Bit on the nose, I think,” the ninja didst sayeth upon gathering her composure, as if to deliberately not know what’s good for her. “All right, all right,” she didst sayeth, and didst raiseth her hands as if to mollify the empty white void with which she was suddenly much more in tune. “Also, you can stop with the ‘diddest verbeth’ stuff, too. I mean, it was fun for a bit, but now it’s just like really hard on my Inner Monologue Morgan Freeman.” Oh, thank God. (Real God this time - which is to say, imaginary God.)
“So I’m in a featureless void,” she says. “Cool. I can work with this, it’s like a blank page. I mean, I don’t know how many times someone has said, ‘Oh, you’re an artist? Draw me a picture!’ Like, I draw what I wanna draw, it’s not a party trick, but whatever.”
The ninja pauses for thought, as if realizing she is getting sidetracked, then clears her throat and says, “OK, I better get Dale in here. He usually knows what to do in situations that I’m completely unfamiliar with, like getting lost in parallel universes, and dating. Not that those are related. Let’s see, if this is a featureless void where I have the power to create and destroy, I’ll just - wait a sec. First order of business: don’t go mad with power. But second, I’ll just create a spell called ‘Summon Best Friend,’ and then cast it.”
A beat passes.
“Wait, how does anyone actually cast a spell? I mean, OK, I guess technically, nobody has ever ‘actually casted’... wait, is it casted? Cast? Hmm, ‘ever actually casted,’ ‘ever actually cast’... no, I’m going about this all wrong, you can also cast a line. ‘She casted her line,’ ‘she cast her line.’ OK, definitely the second one. Now, where was I?”
She was still in a featureless void, trying to figure out how to summon her best friend, using a spell she herself created not ten seconds ago.
“Right - I’m in charge of how to cast spells. So... I cast Summon Best Friend!”
With a flourish and a poof!, a rather shorter guy appears. He is in his underwear and yawning.
“Hey, how’s it going,” the ninja asks.
“Oh, hey Dee,” Dale says sleepily. He blinks, looks around, then says, “The fuck?! Where are we? What’s going on?”
“Look,” Deirdre says, pointing. “Just read the words right here on the page. You’ll catch up.” At a loss for what else to do, Dale complies and mumbles incoherently to himself as he speed-reads along.
“Right,” Dale says. “Teenagers in a self-insertion fantasy, again. Wow, that’s the Out-of-Context Quote of the Day. Look, couple notes?”
“Go for it.”
“OK: first, you still don’t know how to start stories. Second, ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’© is played the fuck out. Third, those people asking for drawings are hitting on you, idiot. Other than that, pretty good. And I cast Summon Clothing.”
Nothing happens.
Hold on. If you think the “Choose Your Own Adventure”© style IS PLAYED OUT, then kindly fuck right off, you joyless twerp.
If you think the “Choose Your Own Adventure”© style IS UNDER-UTILIZED and STILL HAS POTENTIAL, then click here.
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