"Project: Spiral" - Chapter 1 (part 1)

Chapter 1:  Genesis II - God Takes a Mulligan.

WARNING:  This is the first draft of Chapter 1.  It has since been revised.  I'm leaving it up because I like it.  The current version of Chapter 1 is located here.

In the beginning, there was nothing.

    (Boring, I know.  Don’t worry, it gets better.  Eventually)

Then God said (well, me - not God, exactly), “LET THERE BE - umm - SOMETHING!”

    And magically, there was!  (Well, not “magic” per se, but it’s a lot easier to explain that way.)

    So it didst cometh to pass that on the first day, there was “Comic.”  It didst sucketh, but lo, it got better, in accordance with the prophecy.  (We’re not quite there yet, though.) And for a time, it was good. But then things happened, like schoolwork, and girlfriends, and parties, and jobs - you know, stuff, life - and Comic was no more, and darkness didst falleth upon the land.

    But God (me again) didst not stoppeth thinking about Comic, and the more God thought, the more God wanted to do it over, but better this time.  A cycle of mental refinement and rewriting didst then spiraleth in upon itself, like unto the flushings of yon toilet (whichever one is closest to you, really).

    On that first day, God (still me) was but a child of seventeen years.  The spiraling is now done, but the tale has not yet been told. But there is no more Comic - now, there is only “Book.”  And the Old Fan and the New Reader didst both readeth Book, and they didst looketh at each other with a great befuddlement and ask, “Hey, isn’t this a little bit self-indulgent at this point?”

    Which, I mean, sure.  All novels are, to some degree, but this one probably quite a bit.  But if you think about it, even God (real God this time) probably wrote the Bible on the recommendation of her therapist.

Oh, and if you find yourself offended that I called myself God earlier, or that I referred to God as a woman just now, don’t worry - God is imaginary.  Nobody got mad at gender-swapped Superman, they just said OK and got on with their lives.  Didst getteth on, whatever. So be more like comics fans. But not the current 21st-century comics fans who get butt-hurt every time something comes along that’s not For White Straight Cis Men Only.  They suck. I mean like the 1960s comics fans who - wait, they may or may not have opposed school integration, and I do not want to go on a wiki walk about that right now, so how about we just forget about it?  The point is, chill the fuck out.

If you are OFFENDED, ANGRY, or THINKING A SENTENCE STARTING WITH “WELL, ACTUALLY” right now, then please put down this book, go have a snack, and lie down for a nap.  You’ve earned it, champ. You don’t want the rest of what’s in here.

If you are WEIRDED OUT, KIND OF INTRIGUED, or - best case scenario, here - MILDLY AMUSED, then click here.