Except all I could think of was either erotica, something way too personal, or both, or sarcasm. Guess which one this is? Oh, shit, you prolly already saw the title. Pardon me while I facepalm, and check below the cut for some hot sarcastic takes.
1. Your favorite childhood vacation. Summer camp as a counselor-in-training. I loved working with my hands, being in nature, not needing to cook, getting to try all the rad equipment I couldn't use the year before, and finally knowing all the songs. The only downside was when that guy in the hockey mask showed up and killed all the popular kids - not that I missed them, it just sucked talking to the cops for hours.2. The last words of your novel are, “As night became day, he started to understand the truth.” Now, go write the rest. No, that sounds trite.
3. Turn one of the last texts you sent into a story. The actual last text I sent without personally-identifying information in it: "Out-of-Context Quote of the Day: 'I like it gaping open so I can find my life in there'." I said I'd stay away from erotica & personal stuff, so I'm not following through with this.
4. Add an original scene to the last movie you watched. It was Addams Family Values. My girlfriend M and I watched it for research, because I'm going as Morticia and she's going as Gomez. I said I'd stay away from erotica & personal stuff, so I'm not following through with this.
5. Two friends have a disagreement. Call fuckin' Ripley.
6. Write about your favorite teacher. True Story: In AP European History, our teacher had us buy copies of The Story of Philosophy by Brian Magee, because he didn't wanna load us down with dates & shit (which are pretty much all given on the AP exam, anyway) - he wanted us to know "the story." So we studied various historical events through the lens of philosophy, which legit kindled my love of philosophy. We were getting through the 1600s, and one day went kinda fast, and Descartes was next but Teacher wasn't quite ready to go yet and just needed to kill some time, so he riffed and made a few connections for us. Right before the bell rang, he said, "But enough outta me, tomorrow we'll get it straight from the horse's mouth." I had been waiting literally all day for just such an opportunity, and blurted out, "Come on, [Teachername]!" He looked at me quizzically, and I followed up with, "I would think you, of all people, would put Descartes before a horse." THE GROANS OF MY CLASSMATES DROWNED OUT THE BELL AND THIS WAS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
7. Outside the window, you see something you can’t believe. Why the fuck is Trump doing a good job right outside my window?
8. Write about the first time you held someone's hand. I was young, maybe three or four hours. See, when you put something in a human infant's hand, it reflexively grabs it - this is an evolutionary hangover from our days in the trees, where you had to just latch on to mom's back hair to not plummet to the forest floor and become veal for a jaguar (or pizza for a vulture). People do this to infants all the time.
9. Write about the last thing/person that made you smile. The first thing that comes to mind was when I was explaining some badly written spell descriptions to M in bed the other night - I got to Armor of Bark, and told her it's just what it sounds like, and she looked at me like I'd grown a third head. I said, "Y'know, skin like tree bark?" And she went, "Ohhhhhhhh!" And I said, "Did you think it was the other kind?" She said, "Yeah, I thought it was like, every time you move, it goes barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark!" And I fell into a solid minute giggle fit. Then I said, "It's +5 to intimidation, but -50 to stealth," and she fell into a solid minute giggle fit. Then we couldn't stop giggling for like fifteen minutes. Then we - wait, I said I'd stay away from erotica & personal stuff.
10. Write about a time you were lost. I honestly don't remember. Thanks, Google Maps!
11. Write about your first job. OK, even though the statute of limitations is over, I can't rule out the possibilifuckit. Osco, I stole lots of ice cream while I re-stocked the fridge, and fuck shareholders I don't even feel bad.
........OK, I feel a little bad. But not really.
12. Write a letter to your 14-year old self. Hey, fucko. This is you from the future. Don't worry about paradoxes, because if you're reading this, then apparently no paradoxes are happening since time hasn't already collapsed into itself or turned the world into a hellscape ohwaitwho'spresident.
No, that's too one-note, I'm doing this for real. Look, you know this is you from the future because you always played Batgirl as a kid until the day you were four and got made fun over it bigtime, and now that's the biggest and most shameful secret you have (except for... you know... behind the couch). OK, bona fides established, here are three pieces of advice:
- First, Ayn Rand is Queen Bitch of Fuckhead Hill, and while you'll be sorely tempted, don't take her shit seriously, and also stop being such a fuckin' pedant all the fuckin' time (people actually hate that more than the fact that you're really a girl, if you ever fuckin' tell 'em).
- Second, go ahead and keep wasting your life, I don't care, but I'm twenty-odd years older and I'm telling you now that being your authentic self, even when you're all alone, feels so much fuckin' better than pretending to be the boy everyone expects you to be. Seriously, waste all the time you want fretting that it's going to feel "only halfway and make things worse," I give no fucks. But it's a cold, hard fact that being yourself feels better than literally anything else ever will in the next couple decades, and the longer you go being miserable about it, the more you'll kick yourself when you figure it out on your own. Like I did.
- Third, June 26th, 1999: the Powerball numbers will be 8, 15, 22, 38, 47, with a Powerball of 26. There are no other winners that day, just you, so this is the most money you can make. Tell Dad to buy you a Powerball ticket 'cuz you can't, make something up but also make sure he knows there's a $112,000,000 jackpot and if you win you get ten of it and he gets the rest (you can live on ten mill, just make sure he knows it's ten mill after taxes - you wanna take it home). Stay out of the paper as much as you can, make sure everyone knows that they'll get cut off for cozying up to you all the sudden, and buy books on how to manage large sums of money.
OK, that's it. Everything else is pretty fine if you just do as I did, and you won't get another one of these so don't expect it, and I'd tell you that your dream job is librarian but you need a Master's degree for it and you'll have to care about school and do well at it in order to do that, and you won't be able to do that until you've been in therapy for most of your twenties and worked out your bullshit, so whatever. Toodles!
13. Write about why you write. I write because I have ideas in my head and if I don't write them down then they bug me until I do, and until I picked this blog back up again, I was - wait, I said I'd stay away from erotica & personal stuff, so I'm not following through with this.
14. Five years from now, I will be. Nuh-uh!
15. Write about your dream vacation. My last literal dream vacation - i.e. "dreamt I was on vacation" - was a weird mish-mash of filing things on a beach with my folks and lots of drinking. It wasn't as good or bad as it sounds, I was pretty "meh" about the whole thing.
16. Do you like to be alone or with company? Yes! I'm an ambivert, I get recharged from alone time and from social time, but I also get fatigued from each of them if I do it for too long, and then have to recharge with the other one. No sarcasm here, but fuck all the binaries.
17. You have $300 and a Prius, describe the 2,800 mile road trip from NYC to LA. I said I'd stay away from erotica & personal stuff, so I'm not following through with this.
18. Write about your biggest goal. I said I'd stay away from erotica & personal stuff, so I'm not following through with this.
19. Write about your biggest fear. Becoming my mother. No sarcasm here, either.
20. A conversation you and a stranger have on a plane. I swear to the stars, whoever wrote these prompts has a direct line to my sex dreams.
21. A time you or someone you love was scammed. When I was like 22, I tried to buy a dimebag off a guy, except I didn't check it because I thought I knew what I was doing. It wasn't weed, and I'm not even worried because y'know what? Pretty cheap life lesson.
22. Turn the last song you listened to into a story. Rolling in the Deep by Adele - kinda unnecessary. Even moreso when you watch the music video with the cocaine ninja.
23. Describe the life of your favorite singer. I said I'd stay away from erotica & personal stuff, so I'm not following through with this.
24. Write about a piece of furniture in the room you’re in. This couch is comfy and soft.
25. If I knew then what I know now. See #12 (the letter one).
26. If you could travel back in time, where would you go? See #12 (the letter one).
27. You have a billion dollars in your bank account. How did you make it? See #12 (the letter one).
28. You’ve discovered a new planet. Describe what you see. I don't own a telescope or know the night sky very well, so I'd pretty much have to spot it with the naked eye, which means HOLEY SHIRT IT'S HURTLING TOWARD US AT ASTRONOMICAL SPEED!
29. If you could do anything for work, what would you do? Already doing it, chief.
30. You live on an abandoned island, describe your morning routine. I said I'd stay away from erotica & personal stuff, so I'm not following through with this.
31. You’re in a foreign country and don’t speak the native language. Well, this was a decision made either on manic impulse or out of sheer desperation. But then again, this administration has been fucking with trans folks' passports, so maybe I should start learning one of those Scandinavian languages...
32. Describe how you think your grandparents met. I do not wanna think about that, and I said I'd stay away from erotica & personal stuff, so I'm not following through with this.
33. Write about a time you failed. It was a Monday night and I was drinking with my roommates and playing Rock Band, and the song was Gimme Shelter which I loooooooove, and I know that song real well so I would glance at the screen for the guitar part and then go back to jumping around like a jackass. Then I landed wrong and dislocated my patella. My then-roommate W leapt over me to grab her cell & call an ambulance, and she rode with me to the hospital, and I found out that morphine is the shit. This was the middle of winter, so everyone at work assumed I fell on the ice, and I took the opportunity to correct them because of course I did. My one brother played shortstop in high school and developed Osgood Schlatter's (sp?) disease, my other brother swam so hard for swim team that he pulled his arm out of its socket, and I dislocated my fucking kneecap playing video games.
34. You wake up today with the superpower of your choosing. I literally wrote a book about that (see sidebar). But if you mean a classic superpower, like flight or invisibility, then it doesn't matter because I'd have to keep it super-secret so the government doesn't threaten everyone I love so they can get me to voluntarily surrender to being experimented on for the rest of my now-very-short life. Fuck superpowers.
35. You’re a dog, describe your interaction with a human. Fuck this asshole, feeding me bullshit kibble while chowing down on the good stuff all the time! Petting me with one hand and never while the TV's on! Only taking me for walks around the same areas, when there might be men with hats and beards around literally any corner! And acting like I'm not here while having sex, WTF?! (I would probably be a very resentful dog.)
36. Write about someone you admire. I admire Spider-Man. He gives good advice.
30sec on research 'cuz this is hot sarcastic takes!
38. Write about a time you were uncomfortable. This prompt makes me uncomfortable.
39. She tried to forget him, but never could. Mostly because trying to forget a thing involves thinking of that thing, which stops you forgetting it. If she'd just stop trying, forgetting would happen on its own. Well, as long as he didn't keep drunk-texting her. Kevin.
40. Just as your flight takes off, you discover a shocking note under your seat. See #12 (the letter one).
41. None of your friends remember you, describe yourself to them. Sounds like I'd be better off getting new friends who fuckin' remember me.
42. An island rose from the sea. I mean, that's more romantic I guess, but it's also more cliched than an island lily from the sea. Unless you have dogs, then lilies are bad news.
43. Out of the ashes, arose a hero. He coughed and sputtered, being covered in ash, and then opened his eyes and got ash in them. He tried to rub it out, but it just made things worse, and now ash was in his mouth and he tasted all ashy. Spluttering and coughing, he realized three things at once and immediately resented them: first, that glamorous tales bear no relation to harsh realities; second, that Kevin could not take a joke; and third, that weird substitute teacher from sixth grade wasn't being metaphorical and probably actually did know his father.
44. The whales grew feet. In a garden.
45. I open the last book on earth. But I'll open the next book on water. I'm leaving on a cruise tonight, you see.
46. You knock louder and louder on the door, but nobody answers. I hate working for FedEx.
47. The door you had locked, is wide open. I then reflected that you can't just lock doors, you have to shut them as well.
48. Just as you fall asleep, the phone rings. But I keep my phone on silent when I go to sleep, and fuckin' Kevin didn't leave a message, and I'm so glad that I could dismiss all seventeen missed calls in one swipe.
49. She had the perfect party planned, only to have it ruined by her ex. Fuckin' Kevin, had to go & light her new boyfriend Steve, on fire! Then again, she should have known - Steve was quite the jokester, and dragons are not known for even tempers.
50. She said her final words and left, there’s no turning back now. She was absolutely not getting in the middle of a dragon and a phoenix. She was marching her happy ass right the fuck back to that wardrobe and finding a normal boyfriend with normal problems!
51. A blind man falls in love, describe his feelings. He was absolutely smitten. She was kind, and smelled wonderful, and had such a beautiful singing voice. So what if she went on and on about dragons and phoenixes?
52. You have the power to stop time, what do you do? I mean... do I also have the power to start time again?
53. The sun rose for the final time. Probably because I stopped time.
54. You discover that your partner is a robot. It would explain a lot, like the way she really really hates dust, how she's overheating all the time, her excellent memory, and why she plugs a power cord into her vagina for twelve hours a night.
55. You have 10 days to live. Is that when I get the power to stop time?
56. How will cars look in 50 years? Probably, somehow, even stupider than they do today.
57. This needs to be cleaned, the police will be here any minute. There was a car crash in front of my house while I was drinking beer on the porch and I need to give a statement, but I haven't picked up the dogshit in weeks, and it's dark.
58. For years, he carefully planned out this day. It all went off the rails, anyway - the culture had changed too much. It's like that with junior high graduation parties.
59. The birds didn’t go south for the winter. I live in Ecuador, this is unremarkable.
60. It’s June 13th, the snow won’t stop falling. I live in Chile, this is unremarkable.
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