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After a few minutes walking through the twisting cave path, the come to another cavern, lit by a magical lamp. There’s not much in the room besides one bedroll, a firepit, an empty chest, a crate of foodstuffs and cookware, and an ornate full-length mirror.
“Figured they wouldn’t leave much,” Vector says, kicking idly at the empty chest. “We kept most of our shit in go-bags, just in case something like this happened.” He ties up the bedroll and shoves it in the go-bag he had evidently been using as a makeshift pillow.
“Something like a couple demigods crashing your pad,” Phyr asks, confused.
“Dude, it’s Noob Valley,” Vector says. “We negotiated a truce with the noobs, but if something was able to fight its way through them, then it would damn skippy be a threat to us.”
“OK, true,” Phyr says. “Wait, how did you negotiate a truce with the noobs?”
“Rayla did it,” Vector says. “She fought their chief in single combat, but spared her life. Which would have been a tremendous dishonor, surviving a duel you lost, but she gave her a really slick out: she demanded that they let us hole up in the chief’s cave, and leave us alone, or else she’d kill her son. So the noobs dragged our names through the mud every time we came or went - which, who cares - but they left us alone.”
Pannych says, “And you thought these two were good guys?”
“What? No,” Vector scoffs. “I thought they were interesting. The way they talked about it, it sounded like there was a plague of destined heroes falling upon the land, and they seemed to know what they were on about, so I joined up. Got this sweet cloak out of it, too.”
“C’mon, Pannych - that is a sweet cloak,” Phyr says. She rolls her eyes and sighs.
“Oh, shit,” Vector says. “They left the mirror.”
“Well, yeah,” Pannych says. “That looks way too heavy to carry.”
“And too valuable to leave behind,” Vector continues. “I used to see Rayla talking to this thing all the time. Called it ‘Invertigo,’ I think.
At the mention of its name, the mirror flashes brightly, and a skull with flaming eyes appears on its face. “Yes. Hello,” it says.
“Well, well,” Pannych says, “A magic mirror, huh? What can you tell us about Rayla and... what’s the other one’s name?”
“Aqu,” says Vector.
“Aku,” asks Phyr. “Like, from Samurai Jack©?”
“No, with a Q,” says Vector. “Can’t infringe on copyright.”
“What can you tell us about Rayla and Aqu,” Pannych asks the mirror.
“I am under a geas not to betray my mistress,” Invertigo says cautiously.
“All right,” Phyr says, looking around and finding a heavy rock. He lifts it and holds it menacingly. “So which is worse... breaking your geas, or breaking your glass?” He wiggles an eyebrow suggestively, and the skull somehow manages to look worried.
“Hold on,” Pannych says to Phyr, waving him off and then turning back to the mirror. “What’s the most useful information you can tell us about Rayla and Aqu - without breaking your geas?”
“Well,” Invertigo says, looking nervously between Pannych and Phyr, “Let’s see, each of them is an immortal being, and also The Last of the Breed for their respective clans. They’re part of the ‘old world,’ the way things were long before you came here.”
“What are you talking about,” asks Pannych, confused. “I thought I created this world yesterday, when Phyr and I popped in.”
“No, that’s not right,” Invertigo says. “While everything seemed to spring into existence when you ‘loaded in,’ I guess, this world has history - and a long, troubled history, at that. When Third Earth was conceptualized, it was a place where bad guys were supposed to win, because it’s more interesting that way.
“Instead of ‘Good versus Evil’ in a never-ending tug-of-war, there are simply various villains battling each other for supremacy. The truest ‘heroes’ are the commoners who resist the evildoers: not by hiding behind champions of justice, but by striking at the villains while they tangle with each other - though they pretty much always become corrupted by their own power when they gain too much of it.
“At the top of the proverbial heap were Rayla and Aqu, who are based on Deirdre and Dale, respectively. Sometimes, they were at war with each other; others, they allied against a common foe. At any rate, there was a balance - if a twisted one.”
The adventurers are all but scratching their heads - but Pannych says, “Go on.”
“A few months ago, Rayla and Aqu had their power stripped from them by prophecy: though still mighty in many ways, they are now but peons in the dark power struggle that grips this world. And they are not happy about it. Only by killing you can they regain that which was once theirs, by consuming your souls at the moment of death. And for months, they have been seeking you out, growing stronger bit by bit as they slay the destined heroes you sent here to distract them.”
“Wait,” says Phyr, “You mean all those other Pannychs and Phyrs were decoys?”
“Yes,” says Invertigo. “Vector, you saw how that went.”
“Oh, yeah,” says Vector. “Day after day, Rayla would say, ‘Invertigo, show me Pannych and Phyr,’ and he’d say, ‘Which ones,’ and she’d say, ‘The destined heroes,’ and he’d say, ‘Yeah, but which ones,’ and she’d say, ‘The ones that just showed up today,’ and he’d say, ‘OK, but which ones?’ Drove her up the goddamn wall.”
“Guess that’s one way to hide from pissed off immortal assassins,” Pannych says quietly. “Look, those two are kinda badass, and I feel like I’d be a lot safer with my mana back. Is there any way to do that besides waiting 28 years for it to grow back on its own?”
“There are mana potions, but-”
“The war, we know,” says Phyr. “Look, did anyone leave a mana potion around? Like, just forget one, or drop it off a wagon or something?”
“There are 73 mana potions scattered around this island, each of which restores between 25 and 200 mana... their combined total is less than 5,000 mana. This island is just under ten thousand square miles, however, so-”
“So it’s not worth our time,” Pannych finishes. “But there are mana potions that restore more, aren’t there? Like, up near the million mark?”
“For that, you would need high-grade refined ether, and I can say for certain that there’s none on this island. It’s very unstable, and also precious - nobody just leaves that stuff lying around.”
“Wait,” Vector interrupts, “Why do you guys need millions of mana, anyway?”
“Because,” Phyr says, rolling his eyes, “Someone forgot to make us an escape hatch!”
“Escape hatch,” Vector asks, confused. “Isn’t this the escape? Like, isn’t that the point of escapist fantasy in stories and games - to get lost in another world where you don’t have your own problems to deal with?”
Pannych and Phyr stare at each other for a moment, blinking.
“Well,” Phyr stammers. “I wanted a beer,” he trails off.
“And apparently I’ve got some shit going on outside,” Pannych says, “And I wiped my memory, too. So I hope you can understand that I’m a little curious about that.”
“Yeah, but,” Vector shakes his head for a moment, and refocuses. “Look, you’re still out there, writing this story, right? Otherwise this wouldn’t be happening? That means you have a computer of some kind, and an internet connection, and power, and presumably food & water as well, right?”
Pannych and Phyr regard each other for another moment. “Man’s got a point,” Phyr says. Pannych shrugs and nods her assent.
“So, about this war,” Pannych says, turning back to the mirror.
“Yes,” Invertigo says. “There is a Great War going on. But I’m afraid I can’t tell you much about it - the powers involved are so great, they are able to hide themselves from my Sight and even my memory.”
“Are you suuuure,” Phyr taunts, hoisting the rock menacingly again.
“Dude, shut up,” Pannych says. “Look, if you can’t tell us directly, then who should we go see, and where are they?”
Invertigo blurts out, “Alice the mystic! Locked up beneath Fort Roguelike!” Phyr lowers the rock again.
“Well, we know where to go, so let’s not waste any time,” Pannych says.
“Yeah, but what if this mirror decides to narc on us,” Phyr asks. “It does belong to Rayla, after all. I’m sure she’ll come back for it, and I don’t think we wanna be lugging something that big back through noob country.”
“Good point,” Pannych says, tapping her chin in thought, but not coming up with any better ideas.
Invertigo shouts, “No! Wait!”
“Why should I,” Phyr asks.
“Because... because... you might want to make more use of me later!”
“Fair,” Phyr says, considering. “But you’ll still be under your geas, and this way you can’t betray us to Rayla.” The mirror screams its protests for a moment, then Phyr shatters it, and it speaks no more. They each get 10 XP for completing a quest step, and 1 XP more for killing Invertigo.
The trio make their way out of the lair and back into Noob Valley.
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