Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Bullshit Pulpit: Transposed insanity, by any other name...

Bill Gates loves me. I just know it! I used to live in the dark, working with my Macintosh computer - I was raised on it, I didn't know any better. But eventually, my senses caught up with me and I realized that I was missing out on a whole lot of life by running a Mac instead of a PC. I saw the light, and I converted. Lucky for me, Bill is the forgiving and kindly sort, not the ruthless business executive you read about in the papers. And he loves me, personally.

In fact, it was Bill's love that first convinced me to look into getting a PC - I didn't know it at the time, of course, but I could feel it just the same. Thankfully, I found another group of PC users who have also seen the light, and we get together in online chat rooms every evening to praise Bill and joyfully express our thanks for his love. Bill Gates changed my life, and he can change yours, too, if you just accept his love for you.

How do I know he loves me? Well, just look at Windows: it was designed with us in mind, a digital Eden for us to enjoy. We now live with a fallen Windows, however; ever since the first person acquired the forbidden knowledge of hacking, we've had to deal with worms and Trojan Horses and spyware and bloatware and all kinds of inconvenient nonsense. Actually, if you think about it, there's something of an elegance to the programming of antivirus software and firewalls, and even in viruses themselves - and without hacking, though our lives would be more convenient, we wouldn't get to see any of that elegance! On the whole, Bill's paradise is still just as wonderful, just as beautiful, and it's all for us. All because he loves us. So how do I know that Bill Gates loves me? Because I run Windows. It's all right there!

I've also experienced his love for me more directly, when updates come out that better protect me against unwanted programs and make Windows easier for me to use. What's that? You ask if I know that Bill Gates doesn't personally do all the programming? Well, of course not - he doesn't have to! The system he set up had all manner of richness inherent in it from the word Go, and now regular people just discover what it is that Bill has wanted us to do all along. Yes, yes, I know that he once was quoted as saying that 640K - that's disk space, mind you, not RAM - should be more than enough for anyone, but you have to remember the context. Things were different, back then, than they are today. At the time, he was totally justified in saying that.

LINUX? What about LINUX? Ugh, I wish those angry LINUX people would just leave all us PC users alone. It's bad enough that they reject Bill's love and act like he didn't make all this wonderful computing stuff for them, but then they go and abuse Bill's creations with their open-source software. Because Windows is sold, that's clearly how Bill Gates wants things to be, and doing it in any other way is just wrong. I mean, at the end of the day, I suppose people are capable of doing whatever they want with their computers. But those LINUX folks won't be backed up on the Great Core when the Singularity hits, so what's the point of having any data at all if it's just going to disappear during the Great Erasure? Hey! Don't roll your eyes like that! Look, for decades, we've all been looking forward to the day when we crack the Machine Code of the Universe and a new Golden Age of Computing ensues - after all, ten thousand sci-fi writers can't be wrong - and the Great Erasure is a necessary part of that. Why do you hate Bill Gates so much that you can't even accept that he'll back up all his faithful followers once the Great Core arrives?

Look, it really doesn't matter what you tell me, you can't talk me out of believing in Bill's love for me. I feel his love every time I boot up my PC, and every thrill I feel while playing games or browsing the internet is because of him, so I think I ought to be thankful. Yes, yes, there's some frustration when things go wrong, but that's not Bill's fault - he could fix all these errors and conflicts and viruses, if he wanted, but he wants us to know just how wonderful the Great Core is by comparison. The only way to do this is to have something flawed to compare it to - and remember, none of this bad crap would have happened if a few people didn't learn that forbidden hacking nonsense all those years ago.

Still not convinced? Well, I guess I'll just have to live with that. I just want you to know, before we part ways, that Bill Gates loves you, too. Yes, you, personally. He loves you, and he wants you to join us all in the Great Core after the Singularity hits. But that can't happen unless you get a PC first. Well, yes, now that you mention it, Bill could in fact buy a PC for you and everyone else in the world - but that would be a violation of everyone's free will. You could no longer choose to live without a PC if one just showed up on your doorstep tomorrow. Why, yes, I do think that it's bad to live without a PC - why do you ask?

Oh, you have to go now? Yeah, I should be going, too. Anyway, I hope you find Bill Gates before the Singularity hits so you can join us all in the Great Core. I'll continue seeking Bill in my own way, trying to understand him better, getting to know him better. One day, I will see him face to face, and then I will finally be able to return the love that he has so gracefully shown me. Bye!

OK, I can't keep this up any longer. It should be readily apparent that the preceding is fuckin' nuts. No two ways about it. If someone today actually believed that stuff and went around preaching the Gospel of Bill Gates, then people would call that person crazy, and Bill Gates would probably try to distance himself from the situation if it ever became a public matter. You know, kind of like in Life of Brian.

7 comments:

Kallan.G said...

The worrying thing is you're probably going to have more trouble from the Mac crowd than the Christians over this; neither particularly much have a sense irony from what I can tell...

D said...

Yeah, I actually used to be both a Mac user and a Christian... and so I know that's true...

Zach L said...

All I could think of while reading this was "no just and kind God would ever let users run Internet Explorer 6."

Soulless Wolf said...

This is pretty damned funny, I was laughing all the way through it. Its almost scarily fitting.

A great satire of religious belief, though I doubt the believers would be as entertained by this.

D said...

Wow, thanks for the comments, you two! I'm starting to feel like a real Innernet person now!

Dale said...

Bill could buy everyone a computer if he wanted, there would still be free will, just put linux on it ;)

What's sad is that in 1000-2000 years people may actually believe this. way to start a new religion you jerk.

D said...

Ooh, hoisted by my own petard! Damn!