Today's story is about my friend's Extremely Homebrew d20 RPG we just played today (I'm writing this in early September) with some of my old college buddies. As P:S is loosely set in a d20 fantasy world, I thought it might be cool to get an idea of how my friends and I actually play. Enjoy!
On Sundays for the last few months, Lady M and I have played my friend GM's homebrew d20 campaign. Allow me to introduce Tamment Belkacem (Lady M) and her stalwart maidservant, Norissiel (me).
Backstory
Tam is the human daughter of Amir Belkacem, a doting but doofy Imperial merchant and ambassador. Amir is rich and powerful, despite being born into a family business for which he has very little aptitude, so Tam was raised in the lap of luxury. Then her mother died and was swiftly replaced by Elissa, an Evil Stepmother. Unbeknownst to Tamment, Elissa isn't actually evil - but Tam has read so many fairy tales that she can't help but assume that the trope holds in real life. Tam struggled with some anger issues after her mother's passing, and wanted her father to take her to the fighting pits of the city one day - where she saw an elf about her age who seemed rad, and she demanded her father hire her. She has excellent knowledge of plants (for food, healing, and poison) from all the reading she does, but almost no real-world experience, and no combat skills. She looks forward to marrying her betrothed, Lord Farkwad (no relation to Lord Farquaad, because copyright, but damn if they ain't twins or something).
Issi is the daughter of two high elf outcasts who lived with the Cutthroat Bandits (whose name is literally Imperialist Propaganda - they just don't want to be part of the empire). After her village was razed by Imperial troops, she was taken in by a trapper living as a hermit in the wilderness. While trading in town one day, she decided to run off and join the fighting pits, to train so she could get revenge on the Imperialist pig-dogs who ruined her childhood. Issi showed talent and promise, but was only partially trained when she got kinda bored with it. Thankfully, some doofy aristocrat paid off the training fees she had accrued thus far, and hired Issi as a maidservant to his daughter.
Tam and Issi see their relationship very differently: Tam thinks of Issi as her best friend, and "takes her on adventures." In Tam's mind, they regale each other with "exciting tales of high adventure and true romance." While they do in fact spend almost all their time together, Issi is very much aware that the Imperials think of her as basically an animal, and she thinks of Tam as naive - but hiking around the Belkacem estate beats training in the fighting pits or living in the woods, so whatever. They are indeed very friendly with each other, either way; Tam because she thinks of Issi as glamorously exotic, and Issi because indulging her mistress is literally her job.
When Tamment had nearly come of age, her stepmother Elissa decided that something had to be done about the betrothal to Lord Farkwad: he's a terrible match for her, but Amir can't see it and won't listen, because Farkwad is well-connected and always polite to him personally. Tam thinks of Elissa as evil, and so also won't listen to her and call off the betrothal on her own (which is an option). So Elissa enlisted Norissiel to take Tamment on a fairy-tale-inspired quest to "find her true love," leaving a fine steel sword and a bag of gold in a conspicuous place for them to "steal" on their way out. Issi went for it, since Elissa promised to pay her enough to leave the Belkacems' service and live comfortably on her own if she succeeds in getting Tam to call off the engagement (because Farkwad is an Obvious Shitbag all the time, except for when he's around the father of his betrothed). So Tam and Issi "stole" the money and sword, and rode off in the night on Buttercup, Tam's favorite drafthorse. However, the money soon ran out, as Tam insisted on staying in comfortable inns and buying expensive food (explaining why we started the campaign with almost no cash).
The Early Sessions
Tam and Issi then ran into Lagon (PC), a bureaucrat who was hiring for an expedition to investigate problems in the Porto Lolligo municipal water supply. Super-exciting, I know! Down to their last three gold coins, Tamment readily accepted the work. They then met Lagon's other "hires," two petty criminals who were working off their fines (allowing Lagon to pocket a larger share of the funds): Authien (PC), a wood elf thief; and Hunter (PC), an Imperial redneck ranger (his words). A day's journey upstream, we found some brownies getting up to magical hijinks that seemed to be causing the problems; but before we could get to the bottom of it, fire began raining from the sky.
When the firestorm stopped, the world was changed; changed utterly. Far as the eye could see, the ground was a charred waste; no wooden building had survived the destruction, and most of the people and animals were killed outright. We survived by hiding in a cave with the brownies we were investigating, and emerged to find nothing but death and devastation. The only plant life that seemed to "survive" were treants who had been driven mad with anguish and begged for death, and most of the surviving animal life bore slowly-spreading black marks where the magical fire had scorched them and begun corrupting their bodies. People who died rose again as skeletons and wraiths; those who survived eventually succumbed to the corruption, driven insane by the voice of a mad god. Tamment remembered stories of a similar apocalypse in the past, which had been caused by dragons - not a good sign!
Porto Lolligo was a complete wreck, nothing but a wall surrounding the charred husk of the city(save for the odd stone building here and there). Apart from the risen dead, the only sign of life we found were hastily-made posters directing survivors to Amicus Lolligo, nearer to the coast. During the two-day journey Southwest, we ran into Kazri (PC), a wood elf of uncertain profession; we also ran into some Viashivan (VEE-uh-SHEE-ven) scouts who seemed more afraid of us than we were of them. At Amicus Lolligo, we ran into Lord Farkwad at last - what was left of leadership was divided into "travel South" and "travel North" factions, except for Farkwad, who took the bold position of do nothing and wait for a higher authority to show up.
Tam is unimpressed, and chooses not to introduce herself. After receiving assistance from some merfolk (of the squid variety, not the fish variety), the "travel North" and "travel South" groups prepare to do just that (as we convinced them to split the goods equitably, instead of one group taking everything and leaving the others to starve). Farkwad was tasked with leading ten elf soldiers on an expedition to follow up on those Viashivan scouts. Tam and Issi tag along. The scouts had flown the coop, but on the way back, every elf gets a telepathic message from Veera, god of the elves, to head North to the elven capital. Issi and three guards restrain themselves, but the other seven head North straightaway; Farkwad sends the remaining three to subdue or kill the seven for desertion, which they reluctantly head off to do.
While Farkwad is petulantly waiting with our heroines, we unhorse and subdue him at an opportune moment (well... Issi does the unhorsing and the subduing - Tam makes encouraging gestures and supervises). I stole his sword and renamed it "The Fanciest Decoy," because Issi fights unarmed and unarmored, and I'm hoping this pays off in a future session. Tam and Issi ride the two horses to catch up to the deserters, who break into a run together at the sight of us; but we catch up and the deserters calm when they see Farkwad tied up on Issi's horse. We assure them that they'll not be pursued.
The others have been doing recon during this time, so we all meet back up in Amicus Lolligo. The rest of the group has decided that we should head South to some marshy area for some reason, and we go along because why would anyone spend time in a marsh if there wasn't a really good reason. Farkwad dies mysteriously in prison (poisoned in the middle of the night), but not before Tamment introduces herself after he's gone on a particularly vitriolic rant against her. He pulls a 180, but Tam turns on her heel and leaves him to his fate. Lagon wants to hang on to his corpse for some reason? We were all pretty skeeved out by that, but when we couldn't resolve the impasse, Issi said, "Fine, do whatever you want with his corpse! But I'm beheading it first." And then got a saw.
Lady M and I had to miss the next session, and when we came back, we were apparently friends with some swamp spiders? We also had a good supply of "red dust," which was basically cocaine (it's just found like that, though; it doesn't need to be refined). We were catching up on the last session's notes when I heard GM say the word "wyvern" and snapped back into the game - apparently, our skiff was being attacked by an eight-foot-long flying lizard!
The others stood their ground, so we backed them up (Tam had enough XP for a point in swords, so she's not completely useless in combat any more). The wyvern rolls badly and misses us for a couple turns while Hunter peppers it with arrows and Kazri gets a couple javelins in. But then it tail-swipes Lagon and takes off well over half his life. I decided to take a shot at tackling it - if it can fly, then its bones have to be light, and Issi's body weight is probably enough to sink it. I roll a 19, so I get its tail nice and good, haul it to the ground, and we pile on - but then another wyvern shows up on like turn 4 of the fight. Issi tries to maintain her grapple, but the wyvern rolls 17 to get out, which succeeds. Reinforcement Wyvern has zero chill, making us think they're mates, and First Wyvern is nearly dead and hanging back.
Issi tries to tank, but while she can take a hit and punch real good, she doesn't have any abilities that explicitly force someone to attack her. Except, of course, for sheer brutality.
Me: "Is the newcomer trying to bite us or tail-swipe us?"
GM: "It's trying to bite you guys."
Me: "OK, then I try to grapple its head or neck. Wait, this thing's only eight feet long - would I be physically capable of jamming my thumbs in its eyes and anchoring my fingers behind its jaw?"
GM: "Physically capable, yes. It would be really hard, though."
Me: "We'll see what the dice gods have to say about that." I roll a 17.
GM: "Hmm... with your Martial Arts bonus, yeah, that does it. You've got this wyvern by the face, with your thumbs in its eye sockets. You haven't permanently blinded it yet, but it can't see while you're grappling it like that."
Me: "I hang on for dear life so the others can murder it."
We get it pretty good, but the other wyvern then re-joins the fray (reinforcing the "mate" suspicions). There was then some difficulty with the online map we were using, so Lady M and I talked amongst ourselves while the boys sorted out the technical issues (we're on my tablet and can only watch and roll, GM has to move our characters for us). At some point, I'm brought back into the main conversation as I hear GM say, "No, I thought you guys would all just die right away." I guess we were supposed to flee the wyvern nest?
Anyway, by the time the first wyvern gets back, the second one is only half-dead, and two of these at once is gonna be an issue. This point is driven home when the wyvern takes a bite out of Tam and brings her down to 2HP. For context, GM's game is more about small significant numbers than big impressive numbers - base starting HP is 10, and Tam only had 12 to begin with (Issi has 28, but again, is the tank). I'm trying to think a way out of this when I hear GM say, "That's more like it."
Hunter: "Are you rooting against us?"
GM: "Ehh, not exactly. I just thought this fight would go very differently - it was supposed to be a 'run or die' moment, and you guys didn't run, so you were supposed to die? But you're being very uncooperative."
Me: "Right, well, I've been holding my action while I maintain my grapple - can I make an attack and then move?"
GM: "Sure."
Me: "I wanna, like, try to break its neck or rip its jaw off or something, I'm pissed," I says.
GM: "All right, roll for it." Natural 20. "Oh. OK, then - good job! You don't rip its head clean off, but you do separate most of the tissue and there's only some stretchy bits left connecting its head to its body. It's completely dead."
Me: "Fantastic. I rush to Tam's defense."
GM: "OK, next turn, players go first."
Tam: "Can I even take an action this turn?"
GM: "You're very badly wounded, but you're not incapacitated. Some of your ribs are exposed, but shock is carrying you for the moment. You could make an attack with no penalty, or run away."
Tam: "I stab the fucker that bit me!"
Me: "You, uh, might want to run."
Tam: "No way! That fucker bit me! We all get to go, and it's almost dead! I stab it." She rolls a 4.
GM: "Actually, you don't stab it."
Me: "I grapple the bastard." I, too, roll a 4.
GM: "You do not, in fact, grapple the bastard."
Hunter: "I shoot another arrow at it." He rolls a 1.
GM: "You sure try, but its head is weaving around, and you hit..." consults map "...Authien instead."
Authien: "Ow! I kick it." He rolls a 6.
GM: "You hit a really hard part of its flank and do no damage."
Kazri: "I have no more javelins, but am I close enough to attack?"
GM: "No."
Kazri: "I close as much of the distance as I can, then."
Lagon: "Clutch time. I cast Appalling Screech at it." He rolls 15.
GM: "That hits, and it starts bleeding from its orifices, but it's not dead yet. Is that everybody?" It is, in fact, everybody. "All right, then. The wyvern bites at Tam again." He rolls an 18. "Yep, it takes a giant chunk out of your neck, and you die. Then your body disappears mysteriously. Players' turn."
Me: "I really wish you had run."
Tam: "And I really wish that more than one of you had hit it!" She starts playing Still Alive on her phone.
We dogpile the wyvern and kill it, then see that Tam's body is on the back of one of the giant friendly spiders. The communication that was established had mostly to do with math, revealing that the spiders naturally count in octal, which was a very interesting cultural exchange that tells me nothing about their intentions with my mistress' body. So I follow the spider through the marsh, while the others head back to the skiff to catch up.
GM: "You're able to keep the spider in sight, but there's an alligator near your path of travel."
Me: "Is it a regular alligator, or a giant fuck-off fantasy alligator?"
GM: "Regular, but on the large-ish side."
Me: "I ignore the alligator and keep after the spider."
Hunter: "Issi! Git'cher ass back in the skiff! There's a damn gator there!"
Me: "I know. I keep following the spider."
Hunter: "Stop, dammit! You're gonna git et!"
Me: "I just ripped a wyvern's head off, and am unscathed from that entire fight. I fear no alligator. I keep following the spider."
Hunter: "I try to physically restrain her."
Me: "Aren't you at the skiff right now?"
GM: "Yeah, you can't reach her in time. And the alligator has ignored the spider, but is heading right for Issi."
Lagon: "I ready a healing spell. Like, I want to stay in range of her."
Me: "I rush to the most solid ground I can spot along the direction the spider is traveling."
GM: "OK, you do that, and the alligator has nearly caught up to you."
Me: "I turn on it and do big arms, loud noises, stompy stomp, whatever I can to try to intimidate it."
Lady M: "Babe, I love you, but you can't intimidate an alligator."
Me: "We'll see what the dice gods have to say about that." I roll a 9. "The dice gods agree with you."
GM: "The alligator attacks you." He rolls a 14. "The alligator bites hard into your leg, and you take 17 damage."
Me: "...I've made a huge mistake. Nevertheless, I go right for the eyes. Swear to god, if Norissiel, Tackler of Wyverns, is brought down by a fuckin' regular-ass gator, I'm gonna slash wrists."
GM: "You doing the thumb thing again?"
Me: "Of course." Natural 20.
GM: "Uh, yeah. You permanently blind the alligator, and it instinctively releases your leg and backs away."
Lagon: "I cast Soothing Chords on her. Also, nobody thumb-wrestle her."
Issi keeps following the spider into some cave, and the rest of the group catches up. We see the spider rubbing red dust into Tamment's wounds while making some kind of rhythmic noise - Lagon recognizes it as a life-bending song, and says so.
Me: "Is this guy gonna coke my mistress back to life?"
GM: "That... is... exactly what it's doing. Tam, you wake up at full health, having been aware of dying to the wyvern one moment and waking up in this cave the very next."
Tam: "So I played Still Alive for nothing?!"
Hunter: "I mean... you're still alive, aren't you?"
While Farkwad is petulantly waiting with our heroines, we unhorse and subdue him at an opportune moment (well... Issi does the unhorsing and the subduing - Tam makes encouraging gestures and supervises). I stole his sword and renamed it "The Fanciest Decoy," because Issi fights unarmed and unarmored, and I'm hoping this pays off in a future session. Tam and Issi ride the two horses to catch up to the deserters, who break into a run together at the sight of us; but we catch up and the deserters calm when they see Farkwad tied up on Issi's horse. We assure them that they'll not be pursued.
The others have been doing recon during this time, so we all meet back up in Amicus Lolligo. The rest of the group has decided that we should head South to some marshy area for some reason, and we go along because why would anyone spend time in a marsh if there wasn't a really good reason. Farkwad dies mysteriously in prison (poisoned in the middle of the night), but not before Tamment introduces herself after he's gone on a particularly vitriolic rant against her. He pulls a 180, but Tam turns on her heel and leaves him to his fate. Lagon wants to hang on to his corpse for some reason? We were all pretty skeeved out by that, but when we couldn't resolve the impasse, Issi said, "Fine, do whatever you want with his corpse! But I'm beheading it first." And then got a saw.
Romp in the Swamp
Lady M and I had to miss the next session, and when we came back, we were apparently friends with some swamp spiders? We also had a good supply of "red dust," which was basically cocaine (it's just found like that, though; it doesn't need to be refined). We were catching up on the last session's notes when I heard GM say the word "wyvern" and snapped back into the game - apparently, our skiff was being attacked by an eight-foot-long flying lizard!
The others stood their ground, so we backed them up (Tam had enough XP for a point in swords, so she's not completely useless in combat any more). The wyvern rolls badly and misses us for a couple turns while Hunter peppers it with arrows and Kazri gets a couple javelins in. But then it tail-swipes Lagon and takes off well over half his life. I decided to take a shot at tackling it - if it can fly, then its bones have to be light, and Issi's body weight is probably enough to sink it. I roll a 19, so I get its tail nice and good, haul it to the ground, and we pile on - but then another wyvern shows up on like turn 4 of the fight. Issi tries to maintain her grapple, but the wyvern rolls 17 to get out, which succeeds. Reinforcement Wyvern has zero chill, making us think they're mates, and First Wyvern is nearly dead and hanging back.
Issi tries to tank, but while she can take a hit and punch real good, she doesn't have any abilities that explicitly force someone to attack her. Except, of course, for sheer brutality.
Me: "Is the newcomer trying to bite us or tail-swipe us?"
GM: "It's trying to bite you guys."
Me: "OK, then I try to grapple its head or neck. Wait, this thing's only eight feet long - would I be physically capable of jamming my thumbs in its eyes and anchoring my fingers behind its jaw?"
GM: "Physically capable, yes. It would be really hard, though."
Me: "We'll see what the dice gods have to say about that." I roll a 17.
GM: "Hmm... with your Martial Arts bonus, yeah, that does it. You've got this wyvern by the face, with your thumbs in its eye sockets. You haven't permanently blinded it yet, but it can't see while you're grappling it like that."
Me: "I hang on for dear life so the others can murder it."
We get it pretty good, but the other wyvern then re-joins the fray (reinforcing the "mate" suspicions). There was then some difficulty with the online map we were using, so Lady M and I talked amongst ourselves while the boys sorted out the technical issues (we're on my tablet and can only watch and roll, GM has to move our characters for us). At some point, I'm brought back into the main conversation as I hear GM say, "No, I thought you guys would all just die right away." I guess we were supposed to flee the wyvern nest?
Anyway, by the time the first wyvern gets back, the second one is only half-dead, and two of these at once is gonna be an issue. This point is driven home when the wyvern takes a bite out of Tam and brings her down to 2HP. For context, GM's game is more about small significant numbers than big impressive numbers - base starting HP is 10, and Tam only had 12 to begin with (Issi has 28, but again, is the tank). I'm trying to think a way out of this when I hear GM say, "That's more like it."
Hunter: "Are you rooting against us?"
GM: "Ehh, not exactly. I just thought this fight would go very differently - it was supposed to be a 'run or die' moment, and you guys didn't run, so you were supposed to die? But you're being very uncooperative."
Me: "Right, well, I've been holding my action while I maintain my grapple - can I make an attack and then move?"
GM: "Sure."
Me: "I wanna, like, try to break its neck or rip its jaw off or something, I'm pissed," I says.
GM: "All right, roll for it." Natural 20. "Oh. OK, then - good job! You don't rip its head clean off, but you do separate most of the tissue and there's only some stretchy bits left connecting its head to its body. It's completely dead."
Me: "Fantastic. I rush to Tam's defense."
GM: "OK, next turn, players go first."
Tam: "Can I even take an action this turn?"
GM: "You're very badly wounded, but you're not incapacitated. Some of your ribs are exposed, but shock is carrying you for the moment. You could make an attack with no penalty, or run away."
Tam: "I stab the fucker that bit me!"
Me: "You, uh, might want to run."
Tam: "No way! That fucker bit me! We all get to go, and it's almost dead! I stab it." She rolls a 4.
GM: "Actually, you don't stab it."
Me: "I grapple the bastard." I, too, roll a 4.
GM: "You do not, in fact, grapple the bastard."
Hunter: "I shoot another arrow at it." He rolls a 1.
GM: "You sure try, but its head is weaving around, and you hit..." consults map "...Authien instead."
Authien: "Ow! I kick it." He rolls a 6.
GM: "You hit a really hard part of its flank and do no damage."
Kazri: "I have no more javelins, but am I close enough to attack?"
GM: "No."
Kazri: "I close as much of the distance as I can, then."
Lagon: "Clutch time. I cast Appalling Screech at it." He rolls 15.
GM: "That hits, and it starts bleeding from its orifices, but it's not dead yet. Is that everybody?" It is, in fact, everybody. "All right, then. The wyvern bites at Tam again." He rolls an 18. "Yep, it takes a giant chunk out of your neck, and you die. Then your body disappears mysteriously. Players' turn."
Me: "I really wish you had run."
Tam: "And I really wish that more than one of you had hit it!" She starts playing Still Alive on her phone.
We dogpile the wyvern and kill it, then see that Tam's body is on the back of one of the giant friendly spiders. The communication that was established had mostly to do with math, revealing that the spiders naturally count in octal, which was a very interesting cultural exchange that tells me nothing about their intentions with my mistress' body. So I follow the spider through the marsh, while the others head back to the skiff to catch up.
GM: "You're able to keep the spider in sight, but there's an alligator near your path of travel."
Me: "Is it a regular alligator, or a giant fuck-off fantasy alligator?"
GM: "Regular, but on the large-ish side."
Me: "I ignore the alligator and keep after the spider."
Hunter: "Issi! Git'cher ass back in the skiff! There's a damn gator there!"
Me: "I know. I keep following the spider."
Hunter: "Stop, dammit! You're gonna git et!"
Me: "I just ripped a wyvern's head off, and am unscathed from that entire fight. I fear no alligator. I keep following the spider."
Hunter: "I try to physically restrain her."
Me: "Aren't you at the skiff right now?"
GM: "Yeah, you can't reach her in time. And the alligator has ignored the spider, but is heading right for Issi."
Lagon: "I ready a healing spell. Like, I want to stay in range of her."
Me: "I rush to the most solid ground I can spot along the direction the spider is traveling."
GM: "OK, you do that, and the alligator has nearly caught up to you."
Me: "I turn on it and do big arms, loud noises, stompy stomp, whatever I can to try to intimidate it."
Lady M: "Babe, I love you, but you can't intimidate an alligator."
Me: "We'll see what the dice gods have to say about that." I roll a 9. "The dice gods agree with you."
GM: "The alligator attacks you." He rolls a 14. "The alligator bites hard into your leg, and you take 17 damage."
Me: "...I've made a huge mistake. Nevertheless, I go right for the eyes. Swear to god, if Norissiel, Tackler of Wyverns, is brought down by a fuckin' regular-ass gator, I'm gonna slash wrists."
GM: "You doing the thumb thing again?"
Me: "Of course." Natural 20.
GM: "Uh, yeah. You permanently blind the alligator, and it instinctively releases your leg and backs away."
Lagon: "I cast Soothing Chords on her. Also, nobody thumb-wrestle her."
Issi keeps following the spider into some cave, and the rest of the group catches up. We see the spider rubbing red dust into Tamment's wounds while making some kind of rhythmic noise - Lagon recognizes it as a life-bending song, and says so.
Me: "Is this guy gonna coke my mistress back to life?"
GM: "That... is... exactly what it's doing. Tam, you wake up at full health, having been aware of dying to the wyvern one moment and waking up in this cave the very next."
Tam: "So I played Still Alive for nothing?!"
Hunter: "I mean... you're still alive, aren't you?"
No comments:
Post a Comment