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Pannych yanks the door open and rushes outside to see Phyr whooping in triumph.
“Hey, experience points! Ooh, that tickles,” he says with a giggling shiver. “Wait, what the fuck? How come I only got two XP from that fight?” They each get 5 XP for completing a quest step. “I mean... that’s better?”
“What happened,” Pannych shouts, leaping over the gate.
“Oh, not too much. Just a random encounter.”
“With who,” Pannych asks impatiently.
“I dunno, some fuckin’ guys,” Phyr says. He notices the look on her face and says, “I promise it was self-defense!” Pannych rolls her Savvy to see if he’s telling the truth: she gets a 15, and decides he is.
“OK,” she says. “So. First actual fight. How did it go?”
“So there I was,” Phyr begins, “Minding my own business, when alluva sudden, these assholes jumped outta thin freakin’ air and tried to mug me!”
“How do you know they wanted to mug you,” Pannych asks suspiciously.
“Because one of ‘em said, ‘Yo! Your money or your life, punk!’ And they had guns on me. Is that good enough for you?” Pannych rolls her eyes and nods her head to the side.
After Pannych enters Tom’s house, Phyr folds his arms and leans back against the fence. He keeps good watch for a couple minutes, diligently making Observation rolls with a bonus for the open ground around Tom’s cabin. But he soon gets bored and starts whistling a jaunty little tune. The noise covers the approach of two bandits, who make good Stealth rolls and are able to sneak up on him unnoticed.
“Yo, your money or your life, punk!” Phyr is startled out of his reverie and sees that he is flanked by two assailants: they are wearing spiked leather armor, one dyed blue and the other red, more or less matching their skin tones and spiky hair. Each has a pair of flintlock pistols trained on him at almost point-blank range.
“The fuck,” he says, and they roll for turn order; Phyr is last. The bandits hold their actions. Phyr says, “Hold on, let me think a sec.”
The red bandit says, “Think fast,” and prods him with one of his pistols.
“Hey, how about this,” Phyr asks. “You shitheads get the fuck outta here, and I don’t kill you. How’s that sound?” He rolls a 1 on Performance, so the bandits don’t take him seriously at all.
They regard each other for a moment, blinking in surprise, and then double over with raucous laughter. They roll a 1 and a 3 on Savvy to contain themselves: both fail, and the blue one to Phyr’s right falls over and drops his pistols, rolling on the ground.
Phyr passes a Stealth roll to draw his right blaster quietly, aims at the bandit on the ground, and fires. He deals 144 damage, killing him instantly and leaving behind nothing but a shallow, smoking crater.
The red bandit immediately stops laughing, screams, and then takes off running directly away from the scene of the battle.
“Wait - you let him get away,” Pannych asks, incredulous.
“No, I said he ran away. I wasn’t finished. He got about five steps before I blew the shit outta him, too!”
“Uh-huh,” Pannych says.
“Hey, are you all right,” Phyr asks. “What did Tom say to you?”
“A lot of things. Has it... really been seventeen years since I started the comic?”
“Uh, yeah,” Phyr says. “But didn’t you know that?”
“No. I thought we were still teenagers. I must’ve wiped my character’s memory,” she trails off. “How am I doing? I mean, outside?”
“I don’t think I should... I mean, if you wiped your memory, then it must’ve been for a good reason, right?”
Pannych thinks for a moment, and then says, “I guess so. But, I mean, you do know... don’t you?”
“Well, yeah,” Phyr says awkwardly. Pannych looks at him expectantly. He sighs. “Look, I’m not gonna lie: you’re in a bit of a rough patch right now. But in a lot of ways, you’re in better shape than you’ve ever been.” Pannych looks pensive. Phyr adds, “For what it’s worth, I think you’ll be fine. I mean, I think you’re OK.” Pannych winces, and tilts her head down and away. They daylight is suddenly too much for her, even with her eyes shut tight. Phyr reaches out to her and asks, “Are you all right,” but she pulls away as his hand nears her arm.
Just as suddenly as it came on, the fit passes, and Pannych says, “I’m good, I’m good. I just had - I dunno, a flashback or something? Flash-forward? My dad, telling me that grandpa said, ‘Y’know, that Dee turned out all right after all.’ Does that - do you know about that?”
Phyr screws up his face in thought for a moment, then says, “I mean, it happens when you graduate college, but that’s still ten years away for you. And… look, if we’ve got a mind wipe on our hands here, and it’s possibly unstable, then I don’t think we should talk about the future too much.”
Pannych nods and repeats, “OK. What do you remember about the comic?”
Phyr thinks for a moment more and says, “Not much, come to think of it. You must’ve wiped my memory of it so that I wouldn’t meta-game too hard. I remember that you started it, we worked on it for a couple years, we stopped... that’s about it. Like, I remember the fact that we talked about it a lot, but I don’t remember what we said or what happened.”
“I see,” Pannych says, tapping her chin. “Well anyway, we should head to Noob Valley. Tom said we’ll find what we’re looking for there.”
“Yeah, didn’t Jim say that’s where Grayl was spotted a bunch? I bet they’ve got a lair there or something.”
They check briefly for any loot from the fight, but everything’s been blasted to charred uselessness. After double-checking their gear, they head out to the road and turn back toward Noob Valley.
Less than a mile past the crossroads, they run into what seems to be the same stream from the road to Fort Roguelike, and Phyr suggests they fill their canteens, as they’re running low.
“We don’t know if the water is any good to drink,” Pannych says.
“Well, how could we find out,” Phyr asks.
They both fail a Wilderness roll, and can’t tell.
“The only other way would be an Identify spell,” Pannych says, “But neither of us has that.”
“Hey, I’m a technomancer,” Phyr says. “Doesn’t that mean I can make magical tools?” Pannych nods. “So, like, how do I do that? What do I even have in this utility belt, it just says ‘TBD’ on my character sheet.”
“Oh, I figured we could decide that as we went,” Pannych says.
“Oh, I see,” Phyr says as he looks over his sheet more closely. “One of my spells is Determine Belt Item, that’ll let me pick my gadgets. But I only have six slots - so I better not waste ‘em.” He looks to Pannych and asks, “So can it be anything? Like, could I carry a bazooka in here?”
“No, it has to fit in the pouches,” Pannych clarifies. “I know I’d balance a spell that powerful.”
“Hmm, so how about a tablet that identifies whatever I’m looking at?” He flips over his character sheet and sees additional notes spelling out all the things he can do. “Ah, I just cast the spell while I’m thinking of the thing, and it’ll work. OK, here goes: Determine Belt Item!”
Phyr checks his pouches, and sure enough, one now has something in it. He takes it out: it’s a small tablet, glossy black, with “TABLET OF IDENTIFICATION” engraved on one side. He looks at the other side, and in glowing white letters it says, “TABLET OF IDENTIFICATION - Identifies what the holder is looking at.” He looks at the stream, then back to the tablet, and says, “What the Hell? It says the same thing.”
“Let me look at that,” Pannych says.
“Here, see?” He tilts the tablet toward her, and says, “I look at the stream, and now it still says-”
“OH MY GOD,” Pannych shouts, doubling over with laughter. Phyr waits for her to stop, staring impatiently, but she keeps laughing.
“Wait,” he says, “It identifies whatever I’m looking at that second, doesn’t it? So I can’t even read the damn thing, can I?”
Pannych finally stops laughing and says, “Yeah, but someone else can read it for you. And the stream is apparently a ‘DIRTY STREAM - Unsafe to drink’.”
“OK, but I could boil it, right,” Phyr asks. “That’d make it safe to drink.”
“You sure could, if you had some distilling gear with you. But that shit’s big & bulky. You’re probably better off making a screw-on filter that magically removes any impurities.”
Phyr says, “Yeah, but then I’m down two slots.”
“Sure,” Pannych says, “But those are both really useful items to have.”
“OK,” he says. “Wait - better idea! What if I made a ray that purified anything? Then it could be used for food, or to cure status effects!”
“Hey, now you’re thinking,” Pannych says. “Good technomancer!”
Phyr casts Determine Belt Item again and finds something that looks like a one-button remote that emits a wide green beam. He fills his canteen from the stream and uses the tablet on it, which says, “CANTEEN - Filled with dirty water.” Then he uses the purification ray on it, and now the tablet reads, “CANTEEN - Filled with clean drinking water.” He fills up Pannych’s canteen and purifies it, and now they never have to worry about the quotidian matter of food safety again, so it can safely go without saying.
It’s getting to be mid-afternoon and they’re hungry, so they eat their sandwiches and continue on toward Noob Valley.
Over the next couple of miles, the road slopes gently upward, and the forest becomes more dense. Soon the road narrows and becomes a footpath switching back and forth up the steep hillside. Eventually, they can see the sky clearly through the trees, and then they crest the hilltop at a clearing to look over Noob Valley below them, bordered by mountains and rolling foothills.
“Pretty,” Phyr says, “But kinda smelly, innit?”
“Well,” Pannych says with a shrug, “If the Grayls have been killing destined heroes by the hundreds over the last few months, and leaving the bodies to rot, then I can’t imagine that would smell very good.” Phyr wrinkles his nose and they begin their descent into the valley.
Before too long, the smell gets more intense, and then they hear something crashing in the brush ahead. They draw their weapons and ready themselves for battle. Just as they’re about to roll for turn order, a gigantic orange-furred bear rears up on its hind legs and gives a deafening roar. Despite having weapons drawn, the adventurers are so alarmed by the beast’s appearance that it gets a surprise round. It’s still pretty far away, though, so it goes down to all fours and charges at Phyr. Now they roll turn order: Pannych goes first, followed by Phyr, and then the bear.
Pannych pulls a handful of caltrops out of her bag of tricks and scatters them on the ground in front of Phyr, then says, “Back up a bit!”
Phyr shoots at the bear with both his blasters, but the recoil makes the shots go wide and he doesn’t roll well enough to compensate. He obliterates a couple trees.
The bear continues charging, and will nearly reach them next round.
Pannych leaps backward a bit and raises her sword over her head to prepare an attack. She shouts at Phyr, “BACK! UP!”
Phyr aims at the bear with one blaster, fires, and hits the bear’s chest for 125 damage. He scoots a few feet back.
The bear continues to charge, and is almost within striking distance.
Pannych keeps her sword up and concentrates on her prepared strike.
Phyr shoots with one blaster again, and hits the bear’s shoulder for another 125 damage.
The bear charges over the caltrops and is about to strike at Phyr, but it stumbles a bit on the spiky things and Pannych uses the opportunity to launch her prepared strike: she rolls a 20 and does double damage with no resistance, for 78 total. She cuts deeply into its neck, severing its spinal column.
Phyr dives out of the way as the bear goes limp and slides along the ground for a couple yards. Pannych is almost caught by its shoulder as it goes by, but she nimbly spins out of the way using the momentum of her strike. They each earn 1 XP.
“Holy shitfuck,” Phyr yells as he gets up off the ground. “What the Hell is that thing?” They look the beast over: it’s easily about as tall as Pannych at the shoulder, and two or three times that height when standing erect. Its head is flopped to the side at an awkward angle, on account of basically hanging on by a thick flap of muscle and skin, and noxious green blood flows from the wound. Its claws and nose are a glossy grey-blue, and its still-open eyes are pitch black.
“Kinda looks like you,” Pannych says.
“Does so not,” he objects, then adds, “Wait a sec.” He pulls out the tablet of identification and has Pannych read it while he looks at the carcass.
“DEAD NOOB,” she says, “Nasty, Overpowered Orange Bear. Holy Christ.”
Phyr stares slack-jawed for a moment, then says, “Noob Town. Noob Valley. Noob hunts. Oh God, noob shit!” As if on cue, the noob voids its bowels, and an awful stench fills the air. “Eeeeuuuugh!” He holds his nose at the awful stench.
“Wait, let’s see what the tablet says about that,” Pannych says, wrinkling her nose. Phyr shows her the tablet and stares reluctantly at the awful green pile. “NOOB DUNG - hard to acquire, but a valuable crafting ingredient. Huh, maybe it’s like a magic fertilizer or something.”
A flaming bough falls from one of the destroyed trees in a crackling crash, and the adventurers notice that they have the start of a forest fire on their hands. Phyr casts Chill and regulates his mana flow to cool the burning stuff below its flash point, and the flames die out with a decent Magic roll.
“Dude, you have got to be more careful where you point that thing,” Pannych says.
“Sorry, I was startled by the giant bear charging at me. I’ll be more careful next time.”
“I think we should be more careful in general from here on in,” Pannych says. “Those things are really rugged, and I only stopped it from hitting you because I rolled a crit. We got lucky this time.” She wipes her sword clean and places it back in its scabbard, then looks for the path again.
“Hey, what about your little spiky things,” Phyr asks.
“Leave ‘em,” she says. “I have a bag of tricks, they’re unlimited.”
“Wait, so you could just like fill a whole room with caltrops?”
“No,” Pannych says, “Because that would be stupid. But every time I use something in it, it magically pulls another one, and the last one I used goes away if it’s still around. Saves the tedium of cleanup.”
“Handy,” Phyr says with an approving nod. “So what else have you got in there?”
“Oh, just a smoke bomb, shuriken, grapnel and rope, first aid kit, shuko - that is, climbing claws. Y’know, normal stuff. I also have two slots open, in case we find something we need to hold on to - but those slots don’t replenish.”
They find the path and get reoriented, then resume their journey. They travel slowly and in silence, weapons drawn, eyes up - Phyr has holstered one blaster, and holds the other in both hands to improve his aim.
After some time, they come across another noob, grazing on berries with its back to them. They roll for turn order: first the noob, then Phyr, then Pannych, but the adventurers get a surprise round.
Phyr shoots his blaster at the noob - double damage for the surprise round, minus the noob’s Ruggedness, makes 275 damage. It’s very badly injured.
Pannych raises her sword again and moves into position to strike at the noob when it goes after Phyr.
The noob rears up on its hind legs, but has to spend its turn wheeling around, because bears are not fast at turning.
Phyr blasts the noob again, and hits it square in the chest. It falls backward, dead.
A roar comes from their right, and yet another noob comes crashing through the brush on all fours. It charges right up to Phyr and swipes at him with its claws, dealing 34 surprise damage and knocking him to the ground.
Pannych pivots and swings her katana in a smooth arc; but the noob’s hide is thick, and she only does 14 damage.
Phyr raises his blaster and fires: since the noob is practically on top of him, he gets it right in the face for a double damage bonus, making for 275 damage (after reducing it by the noob’s Ruggedness).
The noob is blinded and nearly dead from the plasma blast it took to the face, but it roars and swipes where Phyr ought to be. He makes a Combat roll and manages to flop out of the way, despite his wounds.
Pannych leaps at the noob to slash at its flank, but misses.
Phyr spends his turn getting to his feet.
The noob swipes at Phyr again and connects this time, dealing 14 damage and knocking him down once more.
Pannych steps forward and thrusts her weapon right under the noob’s ribs, leaning on her Combat Precision feature: targeting a weak point earns her a double damage bonus, for 54 total. The noob collapses to the ground, dead. She looks around for additional signs of danger and, finding none, rushes to Phyr’s side and gets out her first aid kit. They each get 2 XP.
“Holy fucknuts, those things hit hard,” Phyr says, groaning in pain and bleeding badly. He has two sets of parallel lacerations, as well as some exposed bone over his ribs, and his intestines are peeking out from the gouges in his belly. But he is also in shock, which numbs the pain considerably and allows him to act decisively and think clearly while his adrenalin is still up.
“Hold still, I’ll patch you up.”
“What? With a first aid kit? No way. Determine Belt Item!” He pulls out a healing ray and uses it on his wounds - it takes sixteen turns (or 48 seconds) to heal him fully, but it gets the job done. Everything is soon back in place, and even his clothes knit back together, because the alternative is needlessly tedious. “Jesus,” he remarks as it plods along, “Do I need to specify that it’s a fast and effective healing ray?”
“No, you just determine what the thing does,” Pannych clarifies. “The power, and any catch, is determined by game balance. Making up gadgets on the fly is a bit overpowered, so the game automatically reins it in.” He gives her a weird look, and she continues: “I was thinking about what I would do while we walked, and that’s the best explanation I’ve got.”
“Fair enough. Christ, though - I’m half-tempted to burn another slot on an anaesthetic ray.”
After Phyr’s all patched up, they keep moving. The path eventually leads them to a clearing by the mouth of a cave, and outside is another noob - this one holding a staff and wearing a cloth shawl, thickly woven and adorned with stone beads. They don’t have much time to prepare an attack before they’re spotted - the noob rolls highest for turn order, then Phyr, then Pannych.
The noob roars ferociously, and another roar comes from inside the cave.
Phyr blasts the noob with the staff for 130 damage.
Pannych throws a smoke bomb at the cave’s entrance, and a black cloud erupts on the spot.
The noob with the staff shoves its empty paw in the adventurers’ direction and roars something that sounds a lot like, “FIREBALL!” A flaming orb the size of a large beach ball materializes in its open paw and flies toward them. Pannych is able to cast Hide as an interruption and is teleported behind the noob; a log takes her place in being obliterated. Phyr makes a combat save to leap away, but is still caught in the explosion and takes 9 splash damage. (Fireball is a powerful spell, but the splash only does half damage; Phyr’s adaptive armor reduces that by a further 50%, and then his Ruggedness soaks up a little more, for the final aforementioned 9 damage.)
Phyr spends his turn getting to his feet.
The other noob charges through the smoke at the cave entrance, roaring, and takes its turn deciding to attack Phyr.
Pannych gets a surprise attack bonus and slashes down the back of the staff-wielding noob’s hind leg, dealing 58 damage.
The staff-wielding noob spends its turn turning painfully around to face Pannych.
Phyr aims his blaster at the noob in the cave mouth, and fires - but he misses, scorching the rocks instead.
The noob in the cave mouth charges at him.
Pannych does a diving roll between the staff-wielding noob’s legs, popping up behind it and forcing it to turn around again, which it spends its next turn doing.
Phyr aims at the noob charging him again, this time almost at point-blank range, and rolls a 20 - he kills it instantly, and it collapses mid-stride.
Pannych does another diving roll between the remaining noob’s legs, hoping to stall him some more, but instead he casts another Fireball - this time, directly at his own feet, catching Pannych in the explosion and burning himself a little, too. She takes 21 damage and is thrown clear, landing on her back after failing a Nimbleness roll.
Phyr aims his blaster at the remaining noob, and pulls the trigger, but it beeps and a small indicator light flashes red at him. “The fuck? Is it out?” He shakes the thing and pulls the trigger a couple times; it just beeps and flashes some more.
Pannych gets to her feet.
The noob turns to face her.
Phyr drops the dead blaster and draws the other one.
Pannych pulls out a shuriken and readies it, holding her action for the right moment.
Just as the noob starts to cast another Fireball, she throws - it catches him right in the snout, and while it does no damage thanks to the noob’s high Ruggedness, the spell is nevertheless interrupted.
Phyr aims and shoots, doing 130 damage. The beast staggers for a moment, then falls on its face, dead. They each get 2 XP.
“Hey,” Phyr says, taking out his healing ray. “How come these things are only 1 XP each? This seems like way more effort.”
“I dunno,” Pannych says. “Maybe every kill is worth 1 XP? At least, maybe on Noob Isle.” They patch themselves up after the fight, Phyr recharges all his gear with Bolt, and then they turn to look at the mouth of the nearby cave. There’s a foreboding wooden sign that reads, “NOOB CAVE. DANGER! KEEP OUT.”
Suddenly, they hear the sound of footsteps approaching, and Grayl appears at the entrance, scythe in hand. He seems surprised to see them, and immediately sprints back into the cave before turn order is rolled.
Suddenly, they hear the sound of footsteps approaching, and Grayl appears at the entrance, scythe in hand. He seems surprised to see them, and immediately sprints back into the cave before turn order is rolled.
“Hey,” Pannych says, “That’s the guy who got away last night!” They chase after him without a further word. Neither of them notices that Grayl just rolled a 20 on Performance.
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